Friendship...
can take different forms.
It can run like a river,
quietly and sustainingly
through life;
it can be an intermittent
sometime thing;
or it can explode like
a meteor,
altering the atmosphere
so that nothing ever feels
or looks the same again.
~Molly Haskell

Yup.. So A Lot Has Happened

Girls, I just want to say that I am not angry at ALL of you but I was just disappointed with one person who I can say I was rather close to.. I did explain to this person about my busy schedule with the tutoring and assignments and tests and this person kept pushing the blame to my time management. But seriously, if you think I have a problem managing my time, I have to say that you are wrong. The reason why I have to tutor everyday except for Saturdays is because I NEED the money. I don't want to have to work this hard and then at the end of the day, suffer a breakdown.. I don't want to be a slave to money.

Mardhiah, we've talked about this before and I've explained to you in great details, how else do you want me to make situations clear to you? I've explained to you that it's impossible to join your gatherings on weekdays as I end school late and I don't have the luxury to stay out late like the others. I've explained to you why I need to tutor. There were times when you were rather persistent.. Getting me to cancel tuition when the kid's exams is just the next day, I felt very disappointed because I thought you, of all people, would understand because you have done tutoring before.. It is a responsibility bestowed upon my shoulders, dear friend. The parents pay me and I have to ensure that the child gets enough coaching to be ready for the exams. It's for this exact reason that I've decided to not tell you whether I can or cannot attend any functions.

My absence at the chalet, I somehow saw it coming and that was the reason why I told Isma that I might not be able to go as I've got an observation somewhere in the week. I try to turn up for weekend gatherings because I know that I cannot afford to see you girls during the weekdays. That was the exact reason why I turned up for the Sakura dinner and Isma's sis' engagement. It was a hassle trying to reschedule tuition on weekends, but I did because I wanted to see you girls after so long.

And I joined you girls for the Raya outing, although by then I already felt like an outsider.. But it wasn't as if I wanted things to turn out this way. My busy schedule. Mar, remember how you would ask me if I am free to accompany you to places? When was the last time? Somewhere last year, wasn't it? And the reason why is because you had informed me way beforehand.. But of late, you've been calling me at the last minute to accompany you.. Firstly, I might already have made plans, and secondly, it made me feel that I am your last resort. I didn't mind. Please, if you need me to accompany you go places or whatsoever, do tell me in advance. I don't like last minute arrangements as there are many parties that I have to consult before I decide on something.

Aya, I've always known that your words are like dagger, but I've never had anything against you. Although at times, I really feel like screaming at you, but I've accepted as you are. I've never had any grudges against you. You will always be someone I look up to, seriously and honestly from the bottom of my small heart.

Kakak, I know.. I know that at times I just can't attend the gatherings.. But I wasn't pulling myself away from anyone of you.. I miss you as always, but circumstances did not allow me to be there, not even for the chalet. I'm sorry.

Isma, I've always treasured the short 'Aunt Aggy' moments shared with you. I always make it a point to look for you when I am at Tampines Mall. Does that make me one who tries to distant myself from my friends? Ask Saiful the first thing I would do whenever I pass by Courts, I'll be stretching my neck to look for you. Reason being, although I cannot get to meet all my 7-1ders, I still get to see 1 and that is rather enough to get information about how the rest are doing.

Lulu, I hope you are getting whatever you desire. I miss laughing with you and your corny jokes.. I miss hearing your laughter and I miss you looking for 'Kuih Ros' at my house whenever you come for the annual Raya visit. I miss laughing at your wrong Malay usage. I miss hearing your voice. I miss chatting with you over MSN.

Dibz, well, this one woman, my classmate during the poly days. I miss your sarcasm, I surely do. It was good to see you at the engagement, it was good to know that you are doing very well in the police force, it was good to have you around whenever I was there at the gatherings. I miss you too.

Lin, I've never seen you as not being part of the 7-wonders. I've always seen you as one of us, always us. Your laughter, your serious face when stressed up, studying for exams, your 'noisy' nature, that has always been part of us.

To all of you, I really miss those moments we spent out together. I miss the hugs. I miss the photo-taking at staircases. I miss having you people around me. I really do. I am not pulling myself away from all of you because you've always been an important part of me. The reason why I can't meet up with you girls often is due to time constrain and clashes in working schedules. That is a REASON, not a LIE and not an EXCUSE.

Mar, sorry if I hurt you this time around, but seriously, I was really disappointed with you because all these while, I have always confided only in you and you of all people know the reason why I can't be at the gatherings.

I am forcing myself to type this entry although I know that I would be late for school just to tell you what the real scenario is like. I hope now you people would understand what I am going through. I hope now the sky is clearer. I apologise but seriously, if you insist that presence at almost all gathering is important, then I guess there's nothing much that I can do.

-Shida-